Smile...

and no, I'm not talking about Mr. Brian Wilson.
It strange...the apathy on his face when he performs is so unlike what
comes out whilst playing...Strangeness.

I was chatting with my sister last night on the phone(and she was SUPPOSE to give me a call back, but ya know how that goes) and she suggest that I give myself a reality check.

What inspired this line of thought was when she was watching Rodman getting interviewed in a program. He said that in major transitions in his life, he stops and thinks the lessons offered, life in the now, and just basically checks to see if his head is in the right place, and transitions last only so long.

Jassen said something similar to me the other day. Transitions; realize that you get through em and come out on the other side. You are never stuck in the same place forever unless you decide to be. And yes Jassen, please add any other 2cents you may come up with.

I am realizing that I am letting fears shape and mold my outlook on life. This is not fair to and for myself. I have the bad habit to think too far in a future that I have no control over, but the reason I do this is the fact that I want some kind of permenance. I mean, Nicole said it great that I really should compare myself to a ping pong ball. Ive been in transition alot over a course of nearly 2 years.

+ I graduated from college
+ I went over to England
+ Fell in love with a wonderful person!<3
+ Came back, alone and unknowing about my immediate future
+ Went back to England for a few weeks in August
+ Came back to the states, working at the theater, not liking the distance between me and a loved one
+ Jassen visits in October for a few weeks
+ After, which Im left in a bigger depression, wondering the next step
+ Researched and found a program in december time that allows me 6 months working permit in England.
+ Christmas Night, spend the night at family friends house for next day flight
+ Stay in London for 5 months, whilst working, making friends and connections along the way
+ Slightly begin to worry about what the coming months will bring
+ Come home to the states for birthday, etc with Jassen
+ Go back for a second year of Glasto fun and to work on music
+ Learn Logic Express to create
+ Start adding art to portfolio
+ Exercise 4-6 times a week
+ Write alot, start this blog in July to vent out my cluttered head
+ Gain weight from big meals, too much popcorn and ice blasts:-p
+ Get 2 kittens in August, Salt and Pepper
+ Depression hits hard, not wanting to go back
+ Created about 12-15 ideas for songs, only 1-2 semi complete
+ Leave in tears near the end of October
+ Get home, chill, and research where I would like to work
+ Lose about 13 pounds
+ Apply to about 10 places, get 2 interviews; One at Kohls(which i really didnt want to hear from) and Barnes and Noble
+ Work both for a short amount of time and quit Kohls the middle of December
+ Still working at Barnes and they keep on training me up for all sorts of stuff, I think they might see potential, which is sweet.
+ Jassen visits for 2 1/2 weeks, gain christmas 5 pounds
+ Lose 5 pounds(at 162, with aim of 140...i know, i dont look 162, but trust me, it's there)*Drinks up on the water*
+ Get plane ticket for 6 months in England, heading back, cuz it messes up my brain not being with Jassen
+ Fear of future molding around the positives in my life
+ Need meditation in my life, *reads a bit on Siddhartha*

See, now my mind feels like it is always on the go, even when i just want to chill, so i need to flex my former muscle of control, cuz muscle remembers. I use to be a very spiritual person, but somewhere along the way, ive turned into a bit of a cynical individual that goes beyond just being sarcastic.

My outlook on life has narrowed all in the name of fear, the lights are lowering, and my sense of self is being put on trial..

The realization of life, the ups and downs is a bit wearing, but let me take a closer look...see the lesson in it all, cuz thats one of the biggest things that I've forgotten to do....

*gets oatmeal*

~ I am the only person in my shoes, I am the only person that will ever be in my shoes, there is no point in worrying over matters that you have no control over.

~ Jen, the transitions make you stronger, make you able to take on change, to adapt, which is a little bit of an issue for you. You fear that you arent facing the right lessons, when the lessons are blantantly staring you in the face.

~ It is for me to either take the lessons on harshly, making them hard to absorb and learn, or for me to open up my book and expectations on life, wipe em clean, and seize the day that I have the ability to learn and grow as an individual*evolution of my soul*

~ I love and I must realize this action. It may be the biggest if not the biggest thing I ever do! I fear that I can't love, when that is never the case, cuz if Im worried that i can't, there is concern for something that might not be there, when everything I have is in front of me. It's for me to better myself, to elevate myself, I am in control.

*hums* yur in control is there anywhere you wanna go...

~ Life may knock me around, but I shouldnt let that get me down. At every given turn, there is a lesson. For me, it is to be positive with myself and people around, cuz much too often that I see people not happy with themselves, its written on their faces and attitudes.

~I do make differences in people's lives...heck, i exist, so that's one given

~ I love Jassen and want to be with him for as long as humanly and unhumanly possible. He is my rock, fo sure, my sense of sanity, my love personified, my compliment shouting aloud, my reality check, my everything, and I love you. Thank you for allowing me to test myself, even when its the hardest thing for me to do and thank you for loving me...I wouldnt want to be loved by anyone other than you*throws what ifs out the window*

~ This is my life to live. Fear does have its purpose....it is really motivation in disguise, maybe even god in disguise, or maybe me in disguise challenging myself. Love needs a challenge, just so to prove itself even more.

~Life is easy, it's us that makes it difficult. We are given the paints and brushes, the canvas is set; Memories are times when we reflect upon our art; Death is when we've appreciated enough to move on to the next work of art.:-)

Why not cry with laughter?
Laughter shouldnt make us cry
who we want to be
is who we want to defy

Works of art in motion
slowing down only at the bends
what is the beginning of one matter
will eventually find the means of its ends

Everyone have a fab day and thanks for reading!