Blank.

It is early in the morning.

I have just woken up from a very aggressive dream that was very trying on my art of cynicism. I was a traveling transport of emotions, literally, as when things got tough and I acted out, I would get really angry and throw that at people, even if they weren't entirely at fault, purely with words and this raw animalistic angst that seemed to spread even deeper into my core, as time progressed.

There was one instance of a very rude lady, trying as she might to board the tube, as I was attempting an exit. She pushed her way through, I screamed at her, she physically kicked me, whilst she stood, but then all of a sudden, possibly due to my guilt of the situation, she magically was just sitting in a wheelchair attempting to board. It was all very strange.


I was travelling with my family, which consisted of my mom, dad, a little sister, although there isn't much of an age gap, she is still and always be the younger of us two. I felt in my element, London, but likewise, disconnected and alone, amongst the crowds of people, wanting to get from point A to B.

I know there was a few more run-ins with people, but at the moment, it escapes me, along with the understanding into why I felt so angry throughout my dream? It's not like I had a bunch of cheese before drifting off into la-la-sleepy-land last night?:-/

I could feel the injuries, the kicks and pangs inflicted from other people's aggressions radiating pain within my body.

We got off the train, then realised that the one we just jumped off, was the one we still needed to be on. I jumped, along with my family, back onto the train, and I tried as I might to get a seat next to my dad, as my mom and sister were able to be sitting all along the same stretch. I screamed, ARRRRRRRRGH! and the guy that took the spot I was aiming to be in, gave me the look, of "What the hell is up with you, man?" At this point, I actually apologized, as I was sitting right across from the guy and just told him flat out that I was having a really bad day, just as a point of possible forgiveness on my part.

In all honesty, this dream really was a bad dream, kinda like a wannabe-nightmare, but on a more realistic level that would happen even in my waking hours.

All of a sudden people with guns were messing about, the train was slowing down in a tunnel(typical), and they began to open fire on people. I got up and saw that my dad had also gotten up to try to deal with the issue at hand. He went to the main culprit, but way too much time passed, and people with the guns developed their own thoughts on the situation, my dad then attacked, but he was too late, and the guy found my dad's weakness, as he began to collapse in my arms.

It actually felt quite similar to when Salt, my cat, was dying in my arms on the way to the 24 hour vet. Weak, frail, and not a whole lot that can be done, but with hope always lingering like a leaf twisting in the breeze.

----------------

So, now I am awake, Pepper having been given food for the first half of the day, fresh water, and she is now perched on her cat tree as she greets the sun that is making its rounds for the day.

There was a fire down the street, smoke clouds bellowed above, but fortunately, it looks under control and fingers crossed, no one was hurt.

I don't really see the ghost of my cat, Salt. I wish I could, just to know that he is existing on another level and not just the energy in memories that I hold of him. Maybe I'm just greedy, but I once felt so secure in the fact that there was something else, something beyond. I still do, but that has been tested all too much recently, so it leaves me weak and unsure. Unsure about my self; unsure about the future; am I going about life right; when will I get a grip on my own confidence again or do I have to make an entirely new one?

Time. My frienemy. I. The fool.

My mind feels blank on this canvas, already painted.

Salt

June 10th 2005 - July 4th 2009



I will miss you my sweet kitten.
Words and even my emotions I am feeling right now
serve no justice on how I really feel at the moment, the memories, the laughter, your spirit, which can never be compromised, unbroken, and solid with light.



As I struggle to understand why you were taken away
so quickly, you never gave up the fight until the very end,
when it was just accepting what was placed in your paws

It's unfair and not right that you are gone,
but I believe in the reasonings that tie us to this existence.

I just want to thank you for the beauty you brought into my life, the fun and games with the ribbon, and times when you
would meow, "Heelllooooo?" at the door with such energy and force, a definitely force to be reckoned with








As I listen to all different sorts of songs, in sounds of remembrance, Salty...

Salty, you were my one, the only.



Your memory I will keep close in my heart for as long as I breathe(and more)...


The beginning

Umm..yea, video that is found is from the Danny Wallace Booksigning that I helped organized. Jassen also has a jaw-dropping role as well(Literally!) I am sitting next to him.:-p

It is...

the 5th anniversary of me and Jassen being a "we". My my time has flown....:-)


I am on day 172 of exercising EVERYDAY! Crazy person that I am.

It's father's day and I want to wish my Dad a happy father's day!

I think twitter writing is rubbing off on my blog.

Hmmm....

Another day...

another £...

I ended up going to sleep around 10, but found myself awake-----ish around 450am. That kinda sucked considering I had well over an hour more to sleep. Not too much to say, but work has been so busy, especially last week, so I hope that by the middle of this week, things will start to slowly cool down. I am not expecting for it to come to a grinding halt, but a slow down period is something to appreciate, when it comes around.

I am starting to study for the next part of my visa, but I look forward to this friday, as I plan to study my little heart out, and paint one of my bedrooms, in no particular order. I will then probably book my test for sometime this month, get that sorted, as well as whatever else the application process will be looking for. I believe that July/August time, I will get more info on my visa status and then plan from there, maybe get a holiday sorted, since by that time, I will be in total need of one, as well as Jassen.

Alright, I really do gotta head out.

I'll try to blog a bit more later.

PeACE!

Just thought...

I'd share...*sings* My god, it takes an ocean of trust....*



It's been on my mind, this song. I like it.
And if you are a lyrics kinda person, here goes!


I hear a sound, a sound above my head
Distant sound of thunder, moving out on the moor

Blackbirds flew in and to the cooling towers
I'll pack my bags thinking of one of those hours with you
Waiting for you

My God it takes an ocean of trust
In the kingdom of rust

I long to feel some beauty in my heart
As I go searching right to the start

The road back to Preston was jutted out in snow
As I went looking for that stolen heart for you
Waiting for you

My God it takes an ocean of trust, it takes an effort it does
My God it takes an ocean of trust
It's in the kingdom of rust
Oh, in the kingdom of rust

I long to feel that wince in my heart
As I went looking I couldn't stop
Now I'm waiting for you

Yes, it does
I know it takes an ocean of trust
In the kingdom of rust

Day 96...

of exercise.

Yesterday was Jassen's birthday and I made him some cupcakes and cake with frosting. Yumminess personified!
I also treated him(well, he called up to book the appointment) to get a professional massage, deep tissue massage to be specific.

I do feel a bit rundown this morning, and I even was in bed by 930pm! It's just for the fact my body hit the 7 hour mark and was like, "OK, fuuuuully charged." I woke up around 430am and was thinking WTF! I waited about 10-15 minutes to naturally fall back into sleep, since I had an hour and a half before I was going to get up, but nooooo.......my body was like, "It's time to get up!" *sighs*

I think I had too much caffeine yesterday and annoyingly enough, the effects like to delay hours after the fact.*grimaces*

Allllllright. Need to get a move on!

Happy Monday, all!

Hope it's a good week.:-)