Contemplative State:

Yes.
Here I am.
Again.

What's around me at the moment is a fan blowing cold in my ear, goose bumps arising to the occasion, my kits lazily passing the day;one on the window ledge and the other on top of his favourite box which sits on the top of the wardrobe.

It is a nice relaxing feeling. I'm a bit dry and I am starting to eye the pouch of capri-sun(sonne) that Jassen was going to drink last night, but never got around to it. Yes. I'll take it!;-)

So much is going through my head. So much that maybe that might be one of the leading factors to my recent bout of insomnia. For the life of me, my body clock seems out of time. I wake up anywhere between 3 and 5 in the morning and Im wide awake and find it hard to sleep. It doesnt matter if Ive sleeped 2 hours or even 6! There is always something about the 3 o'clock hour. I use to do this when I was younger...much younger as in 13 or 14. I would wake up at precisely 3:03 or 3:20. I wonder what that means.

I also have a strange talent of knowing what time it is, alot of the times.

My sinuses have not been the kindest to me during this minor heat wave earlier this week. I have felt really out of it, as though my vision and concentration has narrowed or as though I am lost in caverns of my mind. It's the strangest sensation.

It's kinda like this. Imagine yourself walking down the street to a destination. You start to think to yourself, 'wow, I exist, I am moving towards pt B from A, I am in a body'....as I think this, I feel the detachment I have with my body(as though I am a visitor with an outside perspective. It kinda creeps me out and I then have to re-adjust myself in my skin, assuring myself that I am here, etc etc. At those times, I feel like my soul can take off in a completely different direction, but a fear as well as a knowing that this time wouldnt call for that to happen.

Pepper goes an investigates the outside world, which is beyond the bedroom door that separates me from the rest of Jassen's family. I know I am welcome here and I have the right to move about in which ever way, and that I am not confinded(sp) to this house, but there is something that keeps me here.

I dont like the idea of wandering the streets with no real destination, plus the neighbour doesnt make me feel all that safe, unless I am walking with Jassen. I know Jassen is really worried about my mental wellbeing. Really it is my "fault" on how my wellbeing is, what state it has transitioned into.

Maybe I am just waiting for things to start going "our way". I have so many fantasies on when Jassen and I have our own place, more responsibilities, I have a source of income and we are working together for it! Now, I am just a wanderer, trying to make house in a place that isnt a home. Jassen is my home, sometimes I feel terrible when I disregard that. Im only human, is my only excuse.

I am afraid of losing sight of the real purpose to things, the struggle, why I try as hard as I do with things, and then worry myself into a rut I know I will have to eventually dig out from...with my own willpower.

When did I become so cynical to life? Was it a joke gone wrong for too long? I like being sarcastic, but this is a new sort of level.

There is so much I need to learn about myself. Who would have thought that we are our greatest teachers.
I focus too much on the future possibilities that I forget that now is the time to make the memories that will be cherished in the future. I need to make some more positive memories, or it will be the death of me...placing all of my energies into a future that wont have it.

I am positive. I am. It's there in all of us. I dont expect to be happy all the time. That would be boring, but still, I need to work on recalibrating my scales here!

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