It's kinda funny..

the things one learns about one's self over the course of time.

Lately and as recent as...well,today, Ive been organizing my papers which consisted of poetry and words, journalish entries and dreams. I was quite taken aback the dedication I had from about 96/97- to about 2000/01 with writing down my dreams. So, its kinda funny to see what was on my mind at the time.

As for the writings and journaling, i feel like ive come upon somewhat of a freshly organized graveyard, in which all the graves are still open and need dirt to throw on top of it. Looking back, I am starting to recognize and label the phases of both positive and negative that Ive gone through, obsessions of the week, month, or year....and even own personal truths that have now come to light and are being tested for durability.

I have sincerely changed so much over the course of a few years. It also makes me feel so special to have Jassen in my life. He has been such a positive moving force, even if sometimes I dont realize it, but he sheds light on things that deserve to be spotlighted, either be it something that needs to be addressed, or highlighting the fact that I am an awesome person in this walk of life(most of the time:-p).

It was Jassen that pushed me to have a blog. Even before the blog craze, he pushed me and coaxed me into the idea that I should get my thoughts and feelings onto paper. I had been out of practice with the journaling a bit, when we first met, so it was nice to have that reinforcement and intial momentum to do something about all of these things rolling around in my head. I do feel as though my mind has becoming more clear...as time marches on.

Today, even if it might take me a few weeks to process, was a landmark of a day. I wont comment too much on the matter, but I am realizing my positiveness and potential for it, every waking day...and its a lovely feeling. Im enjoying the fact that I am working at Barnes, which is a positive environment and I look forward to working when I do. I love the interactions with people. It's what I crave, its what I seek and desire out of life.....and how precious each interaction is.

I dont want to come off as fake sometimes, that is one of my main worries, but when I say things to people...either things of encouragement, recommendations, life, lessons, love, etc...I hope I am taken in on a sincere note.

I am finding my peace of mind, within myself. It's like I am actually slowing down to hear myself think. Logic becomes untwisted. I am realizing the faults of elders, its not something I should be shouldering. My views and perspectives....they are mine, no one elses....and that is something to cherish.

Dont get me wrong, I often think of death and losing loved ones around me, but I feel like there is a change in the air.....and even if this feeling only lasts a day, maybe two, a week, month, year, decades, I will never forget this transition.....Im beginning to trust myself....and that's a very beautiful thing.

I do and am looking forward to my life with Jassen. It's exciting and wonderful to think about, it makes me happy and my legs ache to dance, and I sometimes feel like my heart could burst with joy, if it had the capacity to do so physically....what a way to die....I can see it now....Woman Dies, Her Heart Burst with Joy.....not an unhappy ending, eh?:-p(yes, im weird...so weird).

There is so much to us...so much beyond the physical...I feel it....i sense it....though sometimes, due to my airy and flighty nature, i crave grounding....and find myself so wrapped up in the human passion....that i feel more human than spirit, if that makes sense...oh the great balance.:-p

Life is like a big hunk of cheese....there is so much to eat in front of me, but eating too much can make you constipated.So, I need to take it as I feel hungry and eat it with yummy creme crackers, like Jacobs. Mmmm! Haha...this analogy was sooo much better in my head.:-/:-P

Hope all is well with you all!!

:-)